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“It’s not that we don’t get angry in marriage; it’s how we express it that counts”. — John Gottman.
I just finished reading an article from the John Gottman Institute about working through misunderstandings. So frustrating!! And even worse is when it’s in the middle of arguing.
We jump right into getting defensive, criticizing our partner, telling them how much better we are, or the easiest slide to take – shutting down/stonewalling. All of these tactics feel like they are the only places to go, but that’s not true – there are others.
Want to learn more? Then you’re in the right place. There is a part of us that wants to fight back in an argument, but there’s another part of us that wants to be heard, to be understood, to be listened to. That’s the part we’ll be guiding to express itself. Let’s talk about how to do this, so we can be heard.
Speak in a gentle, softer way when opening a difficult conversation. This begins the connection to build understanding of your position. Here are 3 steps towards having a better conversation about important issues.
Use “I” statements-
I feel _____________
Because _______________
And I need you to (positive direction) __________________________
Focus on 1 issue-
Bringing up more than 1 problem at a time will most likely result in none being resolved.
Protect your partner’s triggers-
Whether we like it or not, we are affected by our partner’s raw spots, just as they are affected by ours.
If you want to change your partner’s behavior towards you, ask the question, what is required of me to change my behavior towards them?
Hoping your difficult conversations become easier.